


Fertilizer

by apprenticenanoswarm



Category: Constantine: The Hellblazer (Comics), Hellblazer & Related Fandoms
Genre: Gen, Short and Silly
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-15
Updated: 2021-01-15
Packaged: 2021-03-13 04:03:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 966
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28772049
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/apprenticenanoswarm/pseuds/apprenticenanoswarm
Summary: In which John is called in to solve a botanical mystery.
Comments: 5
Kudos: 16





	Fertilizer

“I know every form and flavour of rot, Constantine. I know every fungus. I know every disease and every parasite that roams the Earth. I don’t know this.”

John rubbed his thumb along the edge of a wilted leaf. “That’s because what you’ve got on your hands here, miss, seems to me like some sort of nasty curse. By the looks of things, it’s infected the entire greenhouse.”

The snapdragons growing out of Poison Ivy’s deep red curls gnashed their tiny teeth. “How? Who did this to us?”

He shrugged, almost reaching for a cigarette before he remembered how she’d reacted last time. “Dunno. Pissed off any magical types lately?”

“Not to the best of my knowledge. I pushed Grayson into a wasp’s nest on Tuesday, but he’s neither magical nor the sort to hold a grudge.”

“Hmm. Did you bring something in? Something new? Curses can attach themselves to an object and then infect everything that object comes near.”

As she thought, she leaned back against a tree trunk and tapped her foot absently against the ground. Every time her toes touched the soil, tiny brown mushrooms shot up. “I don’t often bring _anything_ in. There’s very little of the outside world that I need besides water and sunlight. Although… hmm. There’s a thought.”

She led him over to a corner of the greenhouse in which several dozen bulging bags were stacked.

“Fucking hell,” he said, clamping a hand over his nose. “Compost, I take it?”

“Delivered last week. It was a birthday present from Harley. She finally worked out that I don’t like garden gnomes and lawn flamingos.”

Gingerly, he touched one of the bags, then winced and stepped back. “Yeah. This right here’s the problem. Afraid I need to talk to your girlfriend.”

0

As he’d expected, Harley Quinn hadn’t picked up her present at the local Home Depot.

“You think I’d celebrate my super anti-capitalist best girl’s b-day by handing money over to a corporation?” she cackled. “Course not! I got it from Themyscira.”

“Themy-…? That island Wonder Woman’s from?”

“Yep! It’s so green and pretty! The compost there must be great.”

“I s’pose. How’d you get your hands on it? Can’t imagine the Amazons just let you swim over and nick it.”

She smirked. “Nope. Used my noodle. Delegated.”

“Someone nicked it for you.”

“Yep.”

“Who?”

0

“Of course I didn’t actually _go_ to Themyscira,” Black Manta scoffed as they stood down by the docks eating fish and chips. “They have an army. I have one submarine.”

“Understandable, mate, understandable.”

Throwing a chip to a seagull, Manta added, “Besides, there’s nothing mystical about their soil. Those women know how to maintain a healthy ecosystem, that’s all. I tried to explain that to Quinn. She didn’t listen. She rarely does.”

“So what did you give her instead?”

“Considering the fact that she was paying me a grotesque amount of money, I decided to be noble and find her some compost that actually does have magical properties.”

John leaned forward. “And where did you find it, exactly?”

“I didn’t. I’m a busy man, Constantine. I hired Wilson to find it for me.”

0

“Look,” Deathstroke said, barely sparing John a glance as he hoisted a fresh corpse off his shoulder and into a vat of acid. “Life as a mercenary isn’t always glamorous, okay? Sometimes you’re going into battle against gods. Sometimes you’re sneaking into someone’s garden at 3am with a shovel.”

John rubbed his temples. “Whose garden?”

“A magician’s. Obviously.”

0

Zatanna took a long chug from her water bottle, then wiped her lips and said, “You’re telling me the Terminator dug up my fucking hibiscus so that Quinn could give Ivy a birthday present?”

“Love,” John pleaded, “I’m _so tired_. I just need you to tell me what the fuck was in your compost.”

Absently adjusting her hat – she was due back on stage in five minutes – she said, “Worms. Nitrogen. Nothing you wouldn’t find in a normal garden. C’mon, John, do you really think I’m reckless enough to use my powers to deal with weeds?”

“No. I know you’re not.”

She snickered. “I guess Wilson thought I might because it’s the sort of thing he’d do. God. Honestly, if that man was anything other than a human, he’d have brought about three apocalypses by now.”

Sitting back, he sighed heavily. “So you’ve no idea how your compost could have been infected with dark magic?”

“No, John,” she said, starting to reapply her lipstick, “I… oh. Wait. Hah. I think I’ve got it.”

“Yeah?”

“You remember when I went round to your flat in July?”

He barely had the energy to leer. “Hard to forget.”

“And you remember that poor, tragic, miserable little pot plant you had? The one that was almost dead because you never remembered to water it?”

“Oh.”

“The one,” she persisted mercilessly, “that spent weeks hanging around you and your weirdness, soaking up all the demonic energies that follow you everywhere you go?”

“Oh.”

“The one I took pity on and brought home to plant in my garden?”

“Well. Fuck.”

0

“So this is _your_ fault,” said Ivy.

Smeared with sunscreen and standing in the middle of her greenhouse wearing a second-hand pair of overalls, a trowel in one hand and a spellbook in the other, John said, “Like most things. Look, don’t worry. I’ll have this place exorcised by the end of the week.”

“I’m helping!” a soil-spattered Harley cheered, throwing an arm over his shoulder and almost knocking off the gardening hat he’d borrowed from Chas.

Ivy smiled. “Excellent. Keep an eye on him, Harl. John – if you need a drink, there’s a puddle of rainwater over there.”

“Great.”

“And don’t go near the giant pitcher plants. I don’t think they like you.”

**The end**


End file.
